Your glamulance awaits.  Come take a ride,  a ride that might justl TRANSform you. 

Carissa, last night's makeover, really touched me.  I think she represents so many women in America who after becoming mothers loose a bit of the women they were before the babies.  Carissa had stopped feeling sexy and consequently stopped having sex with her husband.

It was important for Carissa to redefine what sexy meant to her with a post baby body and the new role of being a wife and mother. I so related to her in that I have continually had to define what sexy means for me as a trans woman.  It's been very tricky over the years because as a trans woman I have found I am either overly sexualized by men or that they find me repulsive.  It's been so important for me to define my sexuality on my terms and not in relationship to a man.  The times when I allowed my sexual appeal to be defined in relationship  how a man might see me, it was a recipe for disaster.

So consequently I feel like everyone has to define sexiness for herself.  Certainly we want potential objects of our affection to find us sexy.  But if I don't feel sexy from the inside out in a way where I don't feel compromised or exploited then sex is not going to be a good experience for me.  Let's face it, there are a lot of wonderful men out there but there are many who prey on women and see us as only conquests. 

It didn't make it into last night's  show but Carissa spoke to me about cultivating this sexuality early in her life that she felt was a put on of sorts.  As she grew into herself as a woman, wife and mother she just couldn't fake it anymore not orgasms but this sexuality she felt was a put on.  What she revealed to me is that she was afraid that without the put on, her husband might she the "real" her and she wasn't sure that was good enough.  I am really sad that that nuanced bit of my talk with Carissa wasn't able to make it into the show last night because of time restrictions.

I too have many times in my life found it easier to "play" sexy because underneath I didn't feel good enough to have true intimacy.  But it's also important to find someone you can be truly intimate (into me see) with, .  We chose the burleque for Carissa as a way for her to reclaim some of the play she once had but integrated with the more truthful parts of herself she didn't want to suppress anymore.

As her social roles changed, Carissa had to redefine herself but needed and wanted to do it from the most truthful place.  That's exactly what I have experienced over the years as I have transitioned.  Men and women occupy very different social roles still.  Me stepping into my womanhood was about me stepping into the truth of who I am.  Now it's my job to live in that truth even as I occupy different roles in life.  That's what Carissa discovered which I found so beautiful.  That didn't quite make it into the half hour we have for the show. So I wanted to share. Carissa is such a beautiful and inspiring woman for me. 

I also have to say about last night's show that I found it very tricky to do an episode where we talked about sex.  Transgender women and our sexuality is something many people are uncomfortable with.  because trans women have been represented in the media in very limited ways, there is often this dichotomy of how our sexuality is represented.  As I alluded to above trans women are either overly sexualized or presented as sexually repulsive often at the same time which in many ways are two sides of the same coin.Trans representation has a long way to go to begin to transcend this binary.  Perhaps our show will help.

On a fashion note the above dress that Jamie is wearing I also have.  I wanted to wear it on the show, as well.  But she got it first.  I love the way she styled it with the jacket.  She looks amazing. We are all wearing a jacket, coat and me a sweater because it was cold in Portland when we shot that. 

Thanks for watching TRANSform Me and reading.  ttyl

Stay in the love,

Laverne